Hello Readers!

Just wanted to let everyone know that I am currently switching web hosts and creating a new website to reflect all of the new awesome changes that are happening at Life INSIGHTS Inc. Please bear with me. I look forward to sharing all of the new information as soon as possible. Until the site is up…. please feel free to contact me with any further questions at kpriesmeyer@lifeinsightsmn.com.

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May 23rd is my birthday. And I am thrilled and SO excited to spend it with my love, my mom, my dad and my brother. My mom and I are going to catch a great flick called “Babies” and my dad and my love Ryan are going to cook some amazing beef tenderloin and twice baked potatoes for a  family dinner. I am beyond touched that they are going to all this trouble and I couldn’t think of four people I would rather spend ANY May 23rd with. That being said…. something really struck me tonight that I thought I would share.

Ryan asked me tonight what time I was born and I thought “what an innocent question” but I wonder how many adoptees can answer that? I was lucky enough to be able to…or at least BELIEVE that I was able to tell him the time.  There was this two year period around my 14th birthday that I REALLY became interested in any information that I could find that was “biological” in relation to myself. I would peruse my file (about 3 pages is all I had!!!) and would soak up bits and pieces of anything I could get my hands on. Let’s see…. I learned that I wasn’t crazy about milk, I had a healthy digestive system (nice baby poops…haha) and I enjoyed being on my stomach when I sleep (still do!). It also said that I was born at 3:30 but there was no am or pm. I think I remember asking my mom and after some research we realized it was 3:30 pm USA time because in Korea there is no repeat of the numbers???

Either way…tonight I was really catapulted back in time to my 14th year and the desperation that I had to learn more about the things that only an adult who knew me when I was tiny would know.  I named this blog the ambiguous loss  because I have experienced this moment many times in my adoption journey and MANY MANY MANY times I hear the same old thing… “but you are so lucky to have such wonderful parents”, “everything happens for a reason and you need to see the blessing in it all”, etc etc etc. Society sees adoption as always the glass half full… and in theory it IS! But as you all know… life in theory and life in reality are two VERY different things.  I always try and encourage the kids I work with AND their parents that the reason adoption is a lifelong journey is BECAUSE of the ambiguous loss that may be invisible to the naked eye (or to someone who hasn’t experienced the loss of his/her history).

As I thought about my birthday tomorrow…I will be honest… I had a “grief moment”.  Through lots of soul searching and learning to understand my adoption journey as both a million gains and a million losses I have finally reached a wonderful place where I give myself permission to grieve. To hold it in is to not acknowledge or validate the true nature of your feelings… not allowing you to feel it and PURGE it (so important).

Here was my thought process…bear with me…. there were LOTS of feelings going through my head and I will share as much as I can in the pattern that I thought it…. to illustrate how so many thoughts can penetrate and create both good and bad feelings.

“Hmmmmmm. Isn’t a birthday when you celebrate the coming into this world? And don’t most people celebrate their birthdays with the people that they love and hopefully their parents if they live close and are still alive? Babies don’t really remember the birth itself. But the parents definitely do and can reminisce about the birth and can share  little tidbits here and there and I know that I was born at 3:30 but when did it all start? Was I a fighter? Did I want to come out or did I give my birth mother a run for her money with a long labor? During my birth family search the agency said they thought I was a twin. How does my possible twin brother celebrate his birthday? Do we know that May 23rd REALLY is my birthday? Or is it kind of like pets… you choose the day you “think” they were born? I know that my birthday is DEFINITELY on my adoptive family’s radar… but does the woman who actually birthed me think about me on May 23rd? Why do I care? I didn’t always care. In fact I think I went through about 27 birthdays without caring…so why now? Will having my own child answer some of these questions? Does this really matter to me? I’m here aren’t I…and I was born…. so let’s celebrate! Hmmmmmm…. I really wish I knew more about this day that is going to celebrate my birth. We are going to celebrate tomorrow….but we are all going to be celebrating something that none of us were there for….well except for me…. and I can’t remember a thing…..  :o)”

So yes…. I’m sure all you readers have been there….. the little talks we give ourselves from time to time…funny how they are all a million little jumbled thoughts.  I wanted to share this NOT because I feel bad for myself. And NOT because this is a recurring theme at all. But because all people who grieve and go through a loss experience this. Even if you are not adopted I know EVERYONE can understand. There are days when a loss makes sense, other days when it makes NO sense, days when it is a little bit easier, and days when it REALLY sucks!

Although my thought process went on a LONG run-on sentence in my head… I was able to understand that my emotions are fluid and are always changing. Tomorrow I get to spend my day with the people that I KNOW I LOVE….. that is the best feeling in the world. I have ZERO resentment of where I am in my life at this exact moment and that is how I intend to live the rest of my life. Loss is loss and gain is gain. We have all lived through both …. it is important to control our fear of emotions and to acknowledge that feeling loss doesn’t diminish the gain and vice versa.